Spain 0-0 Italy (Spain win on penaltiezzzzzzzzz)

I’m grateful, eternally grateful to the Italians and the Spanish, for reminding us just how spoiled we’ve been in these Euros by serving up 120 minutes of dullness punctuated only sporadically by a long-range shot or a penalty shout (and, just once, a reminder that Gianluigi Buffon is not a goalkeeping deity as some believe).

And how motherfucking scary is this porcelain child?! I put it in because it looks asleep, but jesus, I’m going to be seeing that coming at me in my sleep for the rest of the tournament.

In fairness to Spain, I think the blame lies largely with the Italians (who leave the tournament having scored only 3 goals - two of them against porous, 10-man France and one a penalty, the other a deflection). Watching that game was like watching England against the average teams we usually get drawn against – and struggle against – in qualifying. Think Macedonia, Israel, Iceland, and er… Andorra. One team has lots of possession but rarely looks penetrative; the other team drops back in vast numbers, marking space and blocking any hope of enterprising play.

The contrast with the footballing treat served up by the Dutch and the Russians the night before was incredible. On the subject of England, the main positive to come out of them not qualifying is that in doing so, we haven’t deprived the rest of Europe of Hiddink’s entertaining, enterprising young team and its clutch of rising stars. Kudos Steve, that’s what you were doing all along, wasn’t it?

Fair play to Spain – overcoming the penalty hoodoo (aaah June 22nd aaaah) with some excellent spotkicks. And I’m now at least £5 richer, woo.

And now… hang on. Why hasn’t the football coverage started? WHERE ARE THE GAMES? What? There’s no match today? Or tomorrow? Whaaaaat!

What the hell am I going to do!